A Tidings of Magpies

by Alice N. Persons Female reported running up Main Street yelling "No, no, no!" She was described as wearing dark clothing and loud shoes. Subject was reported standing in the roadway with a sign saying "lawyers suck and police are outlaws." Woman called to report a man lurking on her patio. Officers investigated and found a runaway goat. Clerk in convenience store reported male customer was looking up someone's skirt. Subject was tracked to the university. 911 report — woman says her wallet was stolen from her kitchen. Before officers could investigate, she called back and said that it was her son, 45. Elderly woman called to report a moose, people carrying torches, and strange music on her property. Officers searched and found nothing. 911 dispatcher got a call saying there was a "huge party" in the woods off County Road 3. Officers find empty bottles and discarded clothes. Residents of Elm S...

by Jeanne Marie Beaumont Is it starting to rain? Did the check bounce? Are we out of coffee? Is this going to hurt? Could you lose your job? Did the glass break? Was the baggage misrouted? Will this go on my record? Are you missing much money? Was anyone injured? Is the traffic heavy? Do I have to remove my clothes? Will it leave a scar? Must you go? Will this be in the papers? Is my time up already? Are we seeing the understudy? Will it affect my eyesight? Did all the books burn? Are you still smoking? Is the bone broken? Will I have to put him to sleep? Was the car totaled? Am I responsible for these charges? Are you contagious? Will we have to wait long? Is the runway icy? Was the gun loaded? Could this cause side effects? Do you know who betrayed you? Is the wound infected? Are we lost? Will it get any worse?

by Hal Sirowitz "When you have blown your nose, you should not open your handkerchief and inspect it, as though pearls or rubies had dropped out of your skull." The Book of Manners (1958) After you have blown your nose, Father said, it's not polite to look inside your handkerchief to see what it looks like. You're not a doctor. What's more important is getting the handkerchief back into your pocket without staining your pants. There are some things it's better not to look at. It should be left to your imagination, but if you have a strong desire to look you can always find pictures of it in a medical book.