Saturday, July 16, 2011

Saturday in CinCity. The CollegeGrrrl Guest Writer Edition.



Suspend reality and basic common sense as I invite you to Eastern StandardTime Hospital...

 


Many of you have shown interest in my job as a Mental Health Associate. This is probably due to the serious life-saving work that my fellow co-workers and I accomplish. Hey, coffee doesn't drink itself! However, many of you have only heard half of the story. The truth is, there is a very serious contest conducted every month at ESH. The winner of said contest gets their very own picture taken which is placed in the monthly newsletter along with their answers to 16 hard hitting questions.

I've never been let in on the secret details of how such employees are chosen. I have often questioned the validity of this award due to the fact that I have never been nominated. Ludicrous, I know. I imagine that there must be some sort of electoral college establishment involved in the selection process. This would explain how I could have possibly lost 47 months in a row. Like Al Gore, I'm winning the popular vote, but sadly, my brother is not the governor of Florida.



Thanks bro!


Like being President, winning Spotlight of the Month provides you with the unique opportunity to force your opinions and thoughts down other people's throats. However, the people that have been winning this prestigious honor have just ruined it, and here's how:

#1 How long at the hospital? Okay, this one is a give-me since they keep a file on you.

#2 Something people don't know about you? Here is where 100% of the people who answer this questionnaire begin to go wrong. Everyone picks some irrelevant fact about their life. If no one knows about it, it's probably because it makes you look a) boring or b) like a criminal. However there are options, people! For instance you could answer with the number of people you've slept with! This is completely relevant as everyone at that place under the age of 35 hooks up like we're on the cast of Grey's Anatomy.

#3 Where were you born? Kind of a boring question. Spruce it up by lying!



 IDK if you've heard of it...?



#4 Favorite restaurant? Oh you can afford to eat out at restaurants? How fabulous for you. 
#5 Favorite beverage? Unacceptable answers include but are not limited to: water, diet anything, soda, and tea. How about you love a good martini straight up on the rocks with a twist and through the garden. I have no idea what those words mean, but it sounds less bourgeois than water.


I love water too, in the form of ice.


#6 Favorite TV Show? People who answer: "I never watch TV" are lying snobs, and people who answer with a television station or multiple shows would fail at the game Simon Says. As a television connoisseur, I sympathize that this may be a tough call, but life is full of hard decisions. Start with the small stuff.

#7 Top 2 movies of all time? 90% of people say their favorite show is something garbage like Dancing With the Stars, yet want to state their favorite movie is a classic like Gone With the Wind. #1 I'm not buying it. #2 That movie is long and the ending sucked. Life is full of disappointments and failures, I don't need to watch a movie to make me feel melancholy. I want to laugh.. or see some people get murdered, ya know, whatever.


Also, my attention span is very challenged.


#8 All time favorite cartoon character - if I see Bugs Bunny one more time I'm going to start taking hostages.

#9 If you weren't doing this you would be? Quit telling us you would be a lawyer or an accountant. How about happy, richer, or a porn star? Something legit.

#10 What was on your grade school lunch box? Ugh, I'm so tired of people saying they didn't have a lunch box. What, did you walk to school barefoot uphill both ways in the snow for 12 miles, too?

#11 All time favorite athlete? The only wrong answer here is "I don't watch sports"... or perhaps "OJ Simpson".

#12 The theme song for your TV show would be? Again, a tough call. Right off the bat I can tell you anything in the genre of country music is going to be the wrong answer; and don't go with the obvious current Top 40 Hits. Think of the best song ever written.. and choose that.

#13 The world would be a better place if...Classic wrong turn here. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE says "If we all just hugged, held hands, and sang kumbaya". You disgust me.


This is how germs are spread.


#14 The last book I read was... Don't say you don't read. We don't care if you've been working on Crime and Punishment for 3 years.

#15 Four people in history you'd most like to have dinner with - this question inspired me to write this piece in the first place. I can't even count how many times I've seen four names out of this list: Jesus, MLK, Eleanor Roosevelt, Ghandi, Malcolm X, Marilyn Monroe, JFK, Jackie O, Bobby Kennedy, Mother Theresa, Abraham Lincoln, Oprah, FDR, and Ronald Reagan.

 I mean honestly people. First of all I want you to ask yourself how is that dinner going to go? What are you going to wear? What are you going to ask/say? What restaurant are you going to suggest to THE SON OF GOD? Hmm? No, seriously? Are we going to go to your favorite restaurant which is probably Bone Fish or Qdoba? Who is going to foot that bill? Will Jesus turn your water into wine to save money? If Marilyn, JFK, and Jackie all show up do you think that would be a little awkward? If Oprah Winfrey puts a new life under your seat are you going to jump and down and scream? No, you're going to sit there and text your friends "OMG this is so awkward! Like do I apologize to Jesus? Him and Mother Theresa seem to be good friends but Jackie just keeps givin Marilyn the stink eye, I'm scared. Reagan just showed up and he wasn't technically invited, do I ask the waitress for another chair? This table is so small? AH!!!" Yea, I'm calling a formal bullshit on all of you.


How's the family?


#16 The most influential person in your career has been? This is a trap. They said ONE person. Name someone outside of ESH and save yourself the headache of having to say "No, no! You've been super inspirational to me TOO!!!"


There it is folks. Now, I wrote this in honor of one special person today. Ally Tucker. It is her last day of work at Eastern StandardTime. We wish her good luck. In honor of her departure I've decided to pose to Ally a real Spotlight of the Month to answer on her phenomenal blog TuckersTales.net - check it out. If she chooses to tackle the 16 questions then you will have not one, but two fine reads ahead of you, as I am going to leave you with my own answers.

#1 How long at the hospital? 3.5 years

#2 Something people don't know about you? I'm in the witness protection program.

#3 Where were you born? On an airplane over the Atlantic.

#4 Favorite restaurant? Chez Starvation. They have a mean Ramen Noodle.

#5 Favorite beverage? Vodka and grapefruit. I know, I'm a health nut.

#6 Favorite TV show? Snapped. I like to learn while I watch television.

#7 Top two movies of all time? Silence of the Lambs and Super Troopers.

#8 All time favorite cartoon character? Natasha Fatale

#9 If you weren't doing this you would be... Drunk.

#10 What was on your grade school lunch box? Beauty and the Beast.

#11 Favorite athlete of all time? Kerri Strug. Epic.

#12 The theme song for your TV show would be... Take it Easy by The Eagles

#13 The world would be a better place if... Everyone carpooled - you have friends to complain about your job with on the way to work, and a DD on the way home from work. Oh, and you can save the environment!


Work hard. Play hard.

#14 The last book I read was... The Mysterious Island - just a hint, read 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea first, no one told me that until the last 12 pages.

#15 Four people in history you'd most like to have dinner with...Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (to see if they would adopt me) & Chelsea Handler and her agent (to see if they would make me famous) So maybe they're not dead but they're making modern day history so suck it, it's my dinner party.

#16 The most influential person in my career has been: Nurse Jackie.


She's got the right idea.





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7 comments:

  1. Thanks for spotlighting my spotlight, momma!!!

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  2. Wow, that was too funny! I thoroughly enjoyed that and need to adapt it for our school "newsletter"!

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  3. Ooh I think I'll use this for a blog post next week. Except my answers will be boring. AND I did NOT have a lunch box. If my mother were alive I would berate her for sending me off to school with my lunch in a paper bag. And I didn't even draw on it. Of course, I ate in the cafeteria until I was in high school...

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  4. Hilarious post! Nice to 'meet' you, CollegeGrrrl, and to know what makes you tick! You are a serious student and committed employee, I can tell that. ;)

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  5. Your captions were terrifically witty. No lunchbox here: I got to go home for lunch in elem. school, and then I bought lunch for 40 cents a day in jr. high and 75 cents a day in high school. (No, I'm not 100--just 52. LOL.)

    All that said, I used to tell my students the same thing: ask interesting interview questions and make your answers interesting. Example:
    Student 1: Wow! Why are you on crutches?
    Student 2: My first wing-walking lesson didn't go so well.

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  6. Natasha Fatale?

    Of Natasha & Boris fame?

    I didn't know she had a last name.

    I've got to be wrong, I'm at least 2 generations behind in the Natasha casting list of names...

    Thank you for posting #13. That one made me grin and feel instantly less abnormal.

    Great post BTW!

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  7. Natasha Fatale and Boris Badanov, yes indeed, of Rocky and Bullwinkle fame. I tried to teach my girls the classics.

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Hey, thanks for your thoughts and your time:>)